By Dr. Kenneth Goldberg
What is a healthy sexual relationship. A healthy sexual relationship, simply put, is one where both parties think it’s healthy. Couples may differ in how they proceed with sex. One couple’s definition of “healthy” sex may differ from that of another. If it works, great.
Sexual health is learned not intuited. People don’t emerge from childhood to adolescence knowing what constitutes good sex. They need to learn how to make love, possibly with a single partner, possibly after a few attempts, with different people. Regardless, don’t assume you can figure it out without practice and experience.
Men and women are different. Men tend to be sexually compulsive. Women tend to be sexually contextual. Men and women both seek intimacy and sex. They come at this from opposite directions. Men can misperceive women as cold. Women can misperceive men as only in it for the sex. Once a couple understands that they have common goals, they don’t need to ascribe negative labels to their partner for who he or she is.
Differences emerge over time. Even with couples that don’t adhere to the aforementioned stereotype (and also for same sex couples where gender is not the issue), differences will emerge. This is expected and normal, and not a reason to fight. People often mislabel the initial stage of a relationship as the “honeymoon” period, as if what follows cannot be just as romantic.
Healthy sex involves collaboration. Couples often fight over their sexual differences. Some try to compromise. I’d rather collaborate. With compromise, you give up something you want. With collaboration, you work jointly to meet each other’s needs, as much as possible.
Experiment. The Kama Sutra cites 64 different sexual positions. You don’t need to try them all. But it is helpful to develop a sexual menu that both parties accept. We don’t need variety to “spice things up.” Variety gives us options, so we can reframe the question from “Are you in the mood for sex?” to “What type of sex are you in the mood for?”
Monogamy is a two-sided contract. Monogamy promises fidelity. It also promises satisfaction. People get overly focused on the restrictive aspect of the monogamous covenant, while paying much less attention to what their partner needs.
Sex changes over time. Desires, opportunities, children, life stresses, sickness, medication side effects, sexual functioning, and aging happen. In a healthy, sexual relationship, the couple does not try to recreate their experiences of their past. Rather, they stay focused on what works for them as a couple now.
Sex can continue for a lifetime. You plan meals today. You expect to dine again tomorrow. Why would you not expect sex to remain a lifetime feature of your relationship. If sex doesn’t happen spontaneously, schedule it. It’s brutal for a relationship to go months or years without having sex.
Stay in the moment. Don’t compare what you do now with what you did in the past. Don’t compare what you do now with what you heard from a friend or saw on a screen. Stay in the moment.
Listen. Listen to what your partner says. Pay attention to how your partner responds. Allow some trial and error, and learn from the response. Don’t argue or criticize. Try your best to meet your partner’s needs, on their terms.
The ego/performance trap. Sex is not a performance sport. Everyone has sex, so don’t hang your ego on what you do in bed. Sex is about pleasure and intimacy, not ego or performance.
As I said before, sexual health is determined by how the couple feels. My insights are simply the insights I have. If you want to learn more about healthy sexual relationship, consider reading Magnificent Sex, Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers by Peggy Kleinplatz.
Ken has been a licensed psychologist for 48 years. He has worked at The Starting Point for the past 12 years. He is committed to facilitating sexual health among his clients and other people he knows.
