You’re young. You’re in love. And the future looks bright. You’ve made a commitment and you’re planning to have a family. You’ve got a career, and your hopes are high.
You want to buy a house and have things for your children and for yourself. You qualify for credit and like most of us, you’re faced with a choice, buy now, or save for the future. Some people spend with abandon, max out their cards, and run into trouble. Others are frugal, save for the future, and live within their means. For many, it’s hard when you’re young to see that you need to plan ahead. Yet, those who plan end up far better off, financially, in their old age.
But this blogpost is not about financial planning. It’s about sexual planning. You may be scratching your head wondering what this is all about. Why is this old guy (albeit an experienced psychologist) telling me now to prepare, sexually, just like you should prepare financially, for what happens later on.
I’ve been in the field 49 years and am amazed at the number of people who come to me, once deeply in love, now angry at each other, not just at that moment, but almost all the time. And they tell me, they’re not having sex. They haven’t had sex for months, years, decades for some. You ask them why, and they cite an event, perhaps an affair, perhaps the kids, their work, their finances, their in-laws. Who knows? Is that the reason they stopped having sex or are they just groping to find a way to explain to themselves, what went wrong. After all, they were once a romantic couple, so very much in love.
Maybe they believe, as many do, that the honeymoon can last just so long, and that once it is over, sex is a chore, and romance is simply a thing of the past.
It doesn’t have to be that way. It’s not inevitable that that intimate bond will end. Sex, and romance, can last a lifetime, but you need to consider the realities of the moment, and make sure that lovemaking stays in the mix.
I’ve written about this before, but not in this way. I’ve shared my thoughts on healthy sexual relationships (see the Healthy Sexual Relationships blog) and even suggested what you can do if you get in a bind. Here, I hope to orient you now, before you’re in trouble, on what you can do to keep things on track.
I think there are two issues that are central to sustaining a long-term, physically intimate bond. One is how you deal with the loss of desire. The other is the “culture of no.”
In the so-called honeymoon period, you don’t generally think of the issue of consent. Desire is intense, and it is not hard to agree to have sex. But over time, desire wanes, and it wanes differently for each. Some of this is gender based, since male sexuality tends to be compulsive while women more often respond to the context. Some of it is individual since two people cannot expect to feel the same all the time, over many years. It’s easy to have sex when it’s driven by mutual desire. It’s harder to figure out how to keep things going as desire subsides. You really need to plan to have sex, and transform the question from “Are you in the mood?” to “What type of sex are you in the mood for?” You can have sexual encounters regardless of how you feel, the driving force a longing for connection, not a horny state of mind.
I’m a big advocate for scheduled sex. It need not be an immutable schedule, but you need to make time, regardless of life pressures — work, children, fatigue, etc. – that you confront. First, you need to know when you’re getting together. Then, you can decide what to do at that time. And what you do, for each of you, need not be the same. You may be in different moods. Your challenge is to figure out what to do among your options, based on your varied moods, at a particular time.
My other concern is the culture of no. If your sex depends on mutual desire, then you’ll inevitably hear your partner respond to your advances by saying “no.” Eventually, you hear more no’s than yesses. The no’s build up to the point that you get tired of being rejected and you no longer ask. But you feel angry and bitter and begin to look elsewhere to meet your sexual needs. You might have an affair. You might have an affair of the mind, without acting on it. You might withdraw into fantasy, get consumed with the internet, and find masturbation and pornography more appealing than sex with your partner. Sure, you might prefer to have sex with your chosen mate, but those pornographic images will never turn you down.
Before long, you get labeled a sex addict and may start going to Sex Anonymous or a similar group. There, you are told to refrain from every form of sex that is not with your chosen partner. Yet, refraining from illicit sex does not mean that you’ll ever reestablish a satisfactory sexual relationship with the person you love. You have already entered a zone of mutual deprivation with the person you once adored. You don’t see a way to rekindle the spark. Even if you go to me, or some other psychotherapist, it does not change.
I’ve been with the same person for 46 years. In that entire time, we have never said no to each other. Sure, we are honest about our moods and may sometimes suggest that we wait for a better time (perhaps the next evening). But it’s never an outright no. And we always make sure that we follow through when we agree to a future, scheduled time.
This is what I mean by investing in your sexual future. Those people who come to me reporting lengthy periods of monogamous celibacy, did not get there a few months ago. This has built up for years. They think sex must be spontaneous, not planned, just as those in financial trouble decide what to buy based on what they want at that moment, not on their financial plan. Planning is just as important for a successful, long-term sexual relationship as it is for insuring lifelong financial stability. Sure, you can follow your passions and enjoy spontaneity in your relationship. But you should also consider the damage that occurs when you hold that approach as the only way to be, and end up frequently rejecting, or being rejected by the one you love.
About the Author –
Dr. Kenneth Goldberg is a clinical psychologist with 47 years of professional experience. He focuses on health instead of pathology, using existential and psychoeducational techniques, to help his clients chart meaningful and satisfying lives. Ken is a senior citizen, who is strongly committed to helping people enjoy the benefits of “senior intimacy” in their advancing years. Ken offers consultations for men who have erectile dysfunctions.
“Through my years of work in mental health, I have been honored to meet many people: the average person encountering temporary personal problems, the highly impaired individual who is tormented by psychosis, the abused child and the abusive parent, the person who is no longer able to work, and the floundering child who cannot finish the homework. Throughout, I’ve been awed by how our commonalities overshadow our differences.
In the end, my clinical philosophy and psycho-therapeutic approach are profoundly defined by a deep respect for the inherent worth and dignity of every human being.”
