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Not everyone understands the transsexual experience. Transsexuality does seem to defy nature, for it involves a person who is unhappy with his or her assigned gender, an assignment based on the genitalia presented at birth. Somehow, during the prenatal period, the hormonal determination of male or female secondary characteristics does not coincide with the mental formation of maleness or femaleness. In other words, the body goes one way, and the brain goes another.

At birth it is understandable that the doctor at the time of delivery determines a baby’s gender, as mentioned above, in accordance with the genitalia observed on that baby. What the doctor cannot see is whether or not the mental formation of gender coincides with the observed genitalia. Usually, as we know, what you see is what you truly get: a boy or a girl who grows up to be a man or a woman accordingly.

However, what happens if the growing boy or girl, often as early as four or five years old, does not feel boyish or girlish in accordance with what he or she is supposed to be, at least from an anatomical perspective? Surely there arises an increasing inner state of confusion for such a boy or girl. That confusion is referred to in the medical literature as Gender Identity Dysphoria (GID), that is, unhappiness with one’s assigned gender, or more simply stated, gender confusion.

Such confusion contributes to a very difficult journey in life for the boy or girl afflicted with GID. I say “afflicted,” because the condition is not chosen. It is a given, just as eye color and hair color, for example, are givens. Eye color and hair color can be changed, at least temporarily and for strictly cosmetic reasons. Gender can be changed, too, but the change is not temporary (except in the case of crossdressers), and it is far more complex than cosmetic. It is the resultant complexity which underlies the transgender journey, especially in the case of transsexuals, whose gender confusion begins to feel like an inner earthquake in which life is eventually turned inside out and upside down.

The journey leading to the ultimate gender change is usually a very traumatic experience, sometimes lasting most of the individual’s lifetime, or at least until he or she is willing and able to make the actual change, that is, to transition from one gender to the other. A basic characteristic of the trauma involved in all of this is the charade which characterizes the individual’s life. The male or female in question pretends to be something he or she is not. The pretense continues out of a fear of rejection, and that fear leads to a life of emotional insecurity, secrecy, and loneliness.

In most cases the person with GID manages to live a fairly productive life, albeit with secret unhappiness. The charade described previously still allows for a functional role in society. However, when the inner pressure of the charade becomes too great, when the split between inner reality and outer pretense becomes unbearable, when a life of secrecy becomes a hopeless living death and thus too much to endure, then it is time for the suffering individual to face his or her fear at last and begin the difficult but rewarding journey towards a life of personal truth and fulfillment.

Overall, the transgender journey is far more traumatic and painful than most people realize. It is such a realization on the part of the transgendered person and the general public alike which is necessary for a gender transition to take place effectively. Both have to adjust. Such adjustment is not easy for either. It is not done all at once, of course, but with patience and effort on the part of everyone involved, it can be achieved.

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Children go through many changes and loses in their lives. Grief is a natural and normal reaction to these life changes that will trigger a physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological response. The death of a loved one is perhaps the most devastating loss one may experience and it will bring about many changes in a child's life.

However, grief occurs following any changes in our lives. Divorce, change in residence, caretaker, school or peer group, lose of a lifestyle or a dream of what could have been, are all losses that children experience. Even positive changes can bring about a brief grief response.

As adults we do not always know what a child is thinking or feeling because they are unable to verbalize their feelings as we do. What we do know is that a child grieves his or her losses with the same hurt as an adult, perhaps for different reasons, but the hurt is just as deep and no less painful simply because the child is smaller.

We must take cues from their behavior. Children cope with change by expressing themselves in the way they behave. They act out their feelings and fears rather than talking about them. They do not always understand why they hurt, but they can clearly identify that they hurt! Regardless if the children are coping with a death, divorce, abandonment, family move or friendship dissolution, all children will react differently. Some of the most common expressions of grief in children are anger, feelings of abandonment, guilt, apparent denial, bodily distress, temper outbursts, regression, increased dependency, silence, withdrawal, panic, depression, over activity, disinterest in previously engaging activities, and a constant striving for perfection.

If your child is going through a loss or a change and is showing any of these behaviors, please contact Patricia O'Connor at 856-854-3155, ext. 142 for further information on what to do to help your child through this process.

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In cognitive therapy, the therapist explains to the patient that her anxiety is based on an unrealistic view of the situation: because the patient incorrectly interprets what she is experiencing – her pounding heart, for example – she becomes quite alarmed. Her exaggerated, distorted, automatic thinking might lead her to fear that she is having a heart attacked. Cognitive therapy helps to correct the patient's distorted thinking and calm her down.

Cognitive therapy generally requires 5 to 20 sessions over a period of several months. When patients hear that treatment is time-limited, they get the message their their problem is curable. This enhances their motivation and their feeling of hope. Brief therapy also encourages patient's self-sufficiency; when the sessions are over, they have the tooks to solve some problems on their own.

For cognitive therapy to work it's important for the patient to choose a therapist with whom she feels comfortable, someone with whom she can be open and someone she can trust and rely on. She should find the therapist empathetic and supportive.

Cognitive therapy entails collaboration. The therapist and patient work as a team to problem solve. The patient brings the information and the therapist provides the expertise. The patient is encouraged to be an active participant.

Cognitive therapy uses the Socratic method: through questioning, the therapist gains an understanding of the patient's thoughts and distortions so he or she can help correct them.

The cognitive therapist provides structure and direction. When a patient is anxious, she feels out of control. A sense of structure helps her feel more in control; as she regains control, she feels calmer. The therapist, with the patient, sets an agenda for each session and provides a treatment plan that focuses on specific targets: symptom relief, teaching the patient to recognize distorted automatic thoughts, training her to respond logically to these thoughts, and helping her to identify and change long-held incorrect assumptions.

Cognitive therapy helps treat a patient's current problems by identifying and correcting distorted thinking that is causing problematic behavior. (When thinking is distorted, behavior is distorted, too.) The cognitive therapist uses a variety of strategies and tactics; the choices depend on the patient's specific problem. Therapist and patient will assist the treatment's effectiveness.

The cognitive therapist is like a teacher. He or she explains the problem suggests alternative ways of thinking, assigns homework, and may suggest additional resources such as tapes and lectures. The therapist also helps patients “learn how to learn,” that is, how to profit from their experiences and not repeat their mistakes.

The therapist uses a scientific way of thinking about the problem. Therapist and patient look at actual facts and evidence that will negate incorrect thinking. One of the central features of cognitive therapy is homework. The patient corrects her distorted thinking in the office with the therapist and then practices what she has learned in the real world. Back in the therapist's office, she discusses her recent successes and failures.

Different from psychoanalysis, which sees human behavior in strong, unconscious forces, cognitive theory grasps that each individual develops a variety of beliefs based on his or her experiences in life.  These beliefs make a picture of the individual's cognition or perception of future situations, affecting what he thinks about himself, others, and the world.  In essence, the way he behaves in everyday life.

According to cognitive theory, if a parent places a high level of importance on good academic performance, the child may believe that anything less than an “A” is a statement that he is a worthless person.  With this idea, the student may feel worthless when faced with life's challenges and failures to always be number one.  Thus, individuals who have feelings of failure to many events may be come depressed.  Cognitive therapy is a treatment option for such people.

The cognitive therapist tries to relieve the client's pain by helping him identify his beliefs and replaces these patterns with more realistic ones, which can lead to a more enjoyable life.  A way the therapist may approach this is through teaching sessions.  The therapist might explain to the client that children are cognitively immature and self-centered and tend to believe that whatever happens is based on their behavior.  When applied to adulthood, such a belief affects the patient with feelings of responsibility and worthlessness whenever things go wrong, and the therapist and client work together to prove that these past assumptions are distorted beliefs.

A good homework assignment would help the client sort out distorted beliefs from reality.  If the client is afraid to go out shopping because of fear that someone may steal her pocketbook, the therapist may suggest keeping a log of what happens each time the client leaves the house.  In the next session, they can explore how realistic or unrealistic these thoughts are.

Cognitive therapy has been shown to be an effective means of treating many disorders such as depression, anxiety and substance abuse.

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There are some journeys that we get excited about going on.  The journey of a cross country vacation, so invigorating and full of adventure; the journey through college toward the goal of a career; or the journey of a new relationship with a significant other filled with all of its discoveries of one another.  But grief – grief is a journey that all of us wish we could avoid and certainly a journey we never look forward to.  Yet, life insists that we go on this journey at one time or another.

The loss of a loved one is not something that anyone ever “gets over.”  We may get “used to” our loved one not being in our lives, but we never get over the fact that a piece of our heart will be missing forever.

So, what to do if “getting over” our loss is not a realistic option.  We “journey through it,” eventually recovering from our wounds.  But just like other journeys in our lives, we will need directions, supplies, plans, and most of all, support from others.  Unfortunately, most of us go into grief ill equipped for the journey.  This is not because we're poor planners, but because whether loss comes suddenly or following a long illness, we are never fully prepared for the “goneness” of the one we love so much or who has affected our lives in such a deep and profound way.

When we're in the throes of grief, we need to remember that we're not lost in the deepest depths of a dark cave with no way out.  We are surely in the dark, but more like a dark tunnel.  If we begin to move forward, we will work our way through the tunnel to the other side – to where we can begin to learn to live again.

So often, what perpetuates the oppression of loss in our lives is the belief that we must say goodbye to our loved one.  Others around us tell us it's time to “move on,” to “let go.”  But how can we move on with the thought of our loved one being left behind?  How can we come to terms with the fact that we didn't get to have closure or say everything we wanted to our loved one?  How do we reconcile the unfinished business?  How can we let go of someone who has become a permanent part of our very soul?  So, we end up stuck.  Stuck between acting on the outside as if we've “moved on” in order to please everyone else.  Yet struggling on the inside with a mix of emotions that we're not able to sort through.  We're not able to let go of our loved one because we simply don't want to and because it's simply impossible to do so.  Over time this conflict of emotions manages to strangle any joy that comes our way.

Faced with this dilemma, one of the most important things we can learn about traveling this grief journey is that we DON'T have to “move on” from or “let go” of the person we've lost.  If we think about it, when something of sentimental value to us is lost – it still exists, it's just in a place where we are not.  Its value remains in our hearts although it's no longer where we can see it or touch it.  We don't have to “let go” or sever our relationship with the one we have lost.  Instead we can learn how to create a new relationship with our loved one.  A relationship that keeps us connected to the purpose and inspiration of the bond between us.  Whether the relationship was a positive one or one filled with animosity, we can still gain something from getting the most out of that relationship that it had to offer in experience and in lessons learned.  We can rebuild a relationship that is alive, one that actually breathes new life into us, and enables us to experience a new and different appreciation for our lives and our relationships.  In time, our grief journey blends into our life journey.  This blending incorporates all that our relationship with our lost loved one has given us and has taught us.  It allows our newly created relationship with them to continue to teach us and to enhance our life journey.

As authors John W. James and Russell Friedman state in the book The Grief Recovery Handbook, it is possible to recover from significant loss: 

“Recovery means feeling better.  Recovery means claiming your circumstances instead of your circumstances claiming you and your happiness.  Recovery is finding new meaning for living without the fear of being hurt again.  Recovery is being able to enjoy fond memories without having them precipitate painful feelings of regret or remorse. Recovery is acknowledging that it is perfectly all right to feel sad from
time to time and to talk about those feelings no matter how those around you react.  Recovery is being able to forgive others when they say or do things that you know are based on their lack of knowledge about grief. Recovery is one day realizing that your ability to talk about the loss you've experienced is indeed normal and healthy.”

As a counselor, I have gathered professional knowledge about the kind of directions, supplies, plans and support needed to guide clients through their grief journey.  As a layperson, I have gained personal experience with grief through my own losses and tragedies.  Both come together in an offering of practical guidance to clients along with genuine empathy and compassion.

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Divorce is one of the most significant events in a child's life.  It turns his world upside down and inside out.  It affects the emotional aspects of his life: his level of confidence, his self-esteem, as well as his ability to deal with problems and relationships.  Divorce also affects the physical aspects of his life, such as where and with whom he may reside, and with whom he shares the events of his day.

Some children will be able to recover from the event of divorce and go on to lead healthy productive lives.  They will learn to overcome life's defeats, build confidence and self-esteem, deal with life's challenges, and develop their talents as well as lasting relationships.

Other children will be scarred permanently from the tragedy of divorce.  They will become sad, withdrawn, and depressed.  They will see problems as threats and will meet them with hostility and anger.  Feedback will be seen as criticism.  They will get involved in harmful relationships and will lack the confidence to leave in order to pursue their dreams.  Therefore, they will settle for far less than their birthright allowed.  Many will go to drugs and alcohol to ease the pain of their lost dreams.

Research indicates that there are a number of factors, which influence a child's adjustment to divorce.  Inherent factors such as the child's age at the time of the divorce, the child's gender and temperament cannot be altered.  However, the factors that can be controlled are those that are held in the hands of the child's parents.

Let us take a closer look at these inherent factors:

• Generally, children under the age of five react intensively at the time of the divorce.  But they adjust better than any other age group because they have fewer memories of their intact family.
• Five to twelve year olds generally act with hostility immediately after the divorce or separation takes place.  Perhaps the most frequent indication of the stress this age group encounters is shown in their academic grades the first year of the family's breakup.
• Teenagers, who are already dealing with the normal insecurities of peer relationships, sexuality, obsession about their bodies and normal separation from parents, will deal with divorce with an inner nervousness, dread, and fear.  The consequences of the added stress that a divorce brings about can be devastating to a teen and bring about serious consequences.  Some teens- will turn their angry feelings inward and get depressed while others will show their anger by battling everyone and everything around them. Although age alone does not determine the long-term well-being of the child, it does influence the child's reaction to it.
• The temperament of the child will also result in differences in the child's response to the divorce. The reactive child will not fare well.  These are the children who usually suffer from colic as infants, and have a hard time adjusting to the developmental stages.  They tend to be inflexible when faced with the changes forced upon them by divorce.  While on the other hand the easygoing child, who has always adjusted easily to new food, strange places, and the next developmental stage, also adjusts well to the disruptions caused by their parent's divorce.
• Another influence that must be taken into consideration when considering a child's adjustment to divorce is gender.  Research shows that, in the first few years following the divorce, boys often have more difficulties in social and personal adjustment as well as in academic performance.  However, long-term studies show that girls who appear at the time to adjust well to the divorce have more significant problems later on

 These inherent factors of age, temperament and gender cannot be controlled or altered.  However, the two additional factors of parent's emotional stability and the amount of conflict in the relationship of the child's parents can be controlled.

Children who are most at risk are those whose:

 

*Parent's personal pain causes them to unintentionally neglect their child's needs

*Parents have so much guilt and anxiety for their children that they become overindulgent and lose the ability to provide continued structure and support

*Parents get stuck in their grief process (such as anger or depression). Their pain may be mirrored by their children

*Parents seek emotional support from their children.  This will cause the children to have increased anxiety and a sense of parental responsibility

*Parents have underlying emotional or addiction problems.  Since they are more prone to suffer a greater decline in their functioning, their children may experience an additional loss; the loss of a healthy parent

 

It is extremely important for parents to continue to provide discipline, support and routine in order to create a stable environment.

In most cases the divorce will cause conflict and hostility during the first year or two of the breakup.  For some couples, this conflict drags on and on.  They never seem to be able to shift their role from former spouses to co-parents.  Years later, these couples still cannot be in the same room without problems erupting.  These couples experience an intensity of conflict that does not subside.

Hostility at any level breeds painful consequences for the child.  The more intense the conflict, the greater the potential for damage, and the longer it lasts, the greater the chance of a child getting severely marred.  The length of the period of hostility and the high intensity of conflict will determine the severity of the disruption of the child.  Sometimes it lasts into the child's adult life.

So let us take a look at how this parental conflict can hurt the child whose parents are going through divorce.

1.      Conflict diminishes the parents' role as “protector.”
2.      Conflict complicates the child's role identity.
3.      Conflict fails to teach effective conflict-resolution skills.
4.      Conflict threatens abandonment or loss of stability.
5.      Conflict puts the child in a loyalty bind.

These five effects of parental conflict can be just the negative influence that a child needs to produce a long-term consequence.  A child may be so used to dealing with the pain that he or she may choose the side that causes pain.  This child will choose the side of crime, of addiction, or promiscuity.  After all it is a pattern he or she was taught by his or her parents.

So what can parents do to avoid these long-term side effects of conflict on their children?  Parents must realize that they and only they have the power to influence their child's well being either positively or negatively.  Either singly or together they can make a commitment to alter the amount of conflict in their child's life.  No one can do it for them.  Parents have to make the decision whether or not they want to alter the pattern of tension and hostility that surrounds their child and interferes with his or her happiness.

 There is no doubt that they love their child.  They have always done their best to make wise decisions for their child.  Now it is time for them to choose to do whatever it takes to improve the long-term well being of their child, to make a commitment to a new parental relationship.  That means they need to leave something behind in order to get something better for themselves and their child.  However, it comes with a risk.  They have to get out of their old pattern and try something different.  They have to leave their comfort zone and forge into the unknown.  It requires a leap of faith. 

If you are divorced and dealing with conflict in your parental relationship, please call Pat O'Connor, LSW at (856) 854-3155, Ext. 142, to find out more about taking that leap of faith for your child's well being.

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Many people make shortsighted decisions in life that lead them down side paths and into dead ends.  They don't determine beforehand where it is that they really want to be.  It's like starting on a journey without a roadmap, directions, or a clear idea of a destination.  For an afternoon's adventure, this can be entertaining, but if it's your approach to life, you end up going nowhere, discontent and regretful.

A far more energizing plan to reach life satisfaction is to begin with a vision, “a mental picture of a future outcome, which inspires definite and sustained action toward its realization.”  All accomplishment and productivity start with a mental image that inspires and motivates us.  It gives us something to aim for, something to live for.  It stirs the sense of wonder and creativity that we knew as children.

In addition to being a focal point and an impetus to action, a vision can also be a dynamic planning tool.  Once you know exactly what you want to create in life, you can begin to do “back-engineering.”  If engineers saw a finished product that they wanted to replicate, they would break it down into its component parts to see how it was made and figure out the steps to reproduce it.  This is exactly what you can do with your vision.

Once my clients are clear about their visions, we co-create the strategies that close the gaps between where they are now and where they want to be.  The vision supports right action and allows us to mentally reconstruct the steps you'd need to take to create it.  At key points where you have to make decisions, you're far more likely to recognize the path that will lead you to your goal.

In working with clients over the past thirteen years, I've found that by helping them clarify their vision and core values, they find the unique expression of their best selves.  This leads to the confidence and inspiration they need to take action.  And what's truly exciting about this process is that its effects are farther-reaching than the client may have ever imagined.  It changes not only their lives, but also the lives of family, friends, and colleagues.  It opens the possibility for a passionate connection to their life's purpose and it enhances all their relationships.           

Geoff is a personal and coach who helps people achieve success and fulfillment by working smarter, not harder.  For more information on how you can take the steps to create your vision and the plan to realize it, call Geoff Farnsworth at 856-854-3155, ext. 110 or e-mail coachgf@mac.com

Sign up for Geoff's free monthly email newsletter at www.bestlifetips.com

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This is a prayer to the Unseen Powers

that move over and above us,

through and amidst us:

Grant us the strength to see in our struggles

the emergence of a special wisdom,

a wisdom born of pain and suffering,

of risk and trust,

of courage and persistence,

of caring and reaching out,

a wisdom

 that yields a deeper knowledge

of who we are in all our manifestations,

a wisdom that helps us handle

 the forces of darkness that sharpen our view of

Reality.

Let us reach down into the depths of our souls

to do the soul work our lives demand of us,

that we may learn in our lifetime

the meaning of existence,

individually and communally.

And let us remember

that the journey into the fullness of life

begins with every sunrise,

with every awakening of the soul,

and with every step into the

Unknown.

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For years I have searched for a meaning to one word:  “Spirituality.”  I have studied it and have a degree next to my name, but only when I was exposed to the Twelve Step Program did I finally realize how simple spirituality was.  For years I had confused religion with spirituality.  In order to really understand this special word, I found it necessary to separate religion and spirituality.  In this article I would like to share with you what the word spiritual means to me as I view it today from the Twelve Step Program.  I would also ask you to do me a favor as you read this article.  Take all your feelings, beliefs, and experiences in religion and just for a few moments place them in a box, put a lid on the box, and put the box in a closet.  I would like you to look at the word spiritual with an open mind purely from the perspective of the program.

If you want to find out if you are a spiritual person, then ask yourself four simple, basic questions.  Remember, they are simple.

1. Do you love yourself?  Addiction denies us any concept of personal love.  A spiritual person is someone who loves who they are.  In spirituality we learn how loveable and special we are.  We build a relationship with ourselves.  We must learn to fall in love with a very special person, ourselves.

2. Do you like yourself?  You are the only one like you in the whole wide world.  You must grow to like your person.  In addiction we are always people-pleasing.  Now we must learn the real gift of spirituality:  self-caring.  In the program we have a very special way of doing this.  It means accepting and loving who you are:  total acceptance of the self.

3. Do you respect yourself?  Do you honor you?  Two of the scariest words in all of recovery are reality and responsibility.  They're scary.  So many of us are used to being sick; it's comfortable.  To really develop a healthy concept of you is scary.  Someday I'm going to create a game called the crazy game.  The addicted personality would rather be sick than in recovery.  If you're sick, someone else must take care of you.  If you are in recovery, you are responsible for yourself.  Believe me, it's easier to be sick.

4. Do you care about yourself?  People are always asking me “What are spiritual things?”  I answer in a very simple way.  Spirituality is making your bed in the morning.  Spirituality is taking care of your personal hygiene.  Spirituality is eating properly.  Spirituality is getting the proper rest and exercise.  Spirituality is caring about a very special person – you.  So many times we fail to do the basics in life.  That's why, in a nutshell, spirituality is simplicity.  The more simple you make your life, the more you enjoy your specialness.  You are special, therefore, you are spiritual.

If you have any questions or comments, please contact Vince DiPasquale at 856-854-3155, Ext. 102

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The most beautiful definition of spirituality is to awaken and discover the message of life.  The Higher Power has created each of us and gives us a gift of life.  The purpose of life is to discover who you are in conjunction with God's creation.  One of the greatest gifts I received over the years is the gift of the game of baseball.  Over the years, the basics of the game has not changed; unfortunately the god of money has tried to steal the real meaning of the game.  Yet, that is the journey of life; the battle between the God of our understanding and the gods of greed and power.  Baseball is a gift that teaches us about life.  From its early beginning when we needed to play a game just to relax, to the 1920's when baseball survived a major scandal (Black Sox), by giving us heros of many faces from the insanity of Ty Cobbs to the gentle, humble man - Lou Gehrig.  We have seen all types of people and experienced the human condition in this wonderful sport.  We have witnessed life.  From the sandlots to Little League to semi-pro and professional to the softball games played on the asphalt of South Philadelphia to the green country fields of dreams.  From stick ball on a city street to high school and college ball.  From broom sticks and cracked bats to aluminum bats and Louisville Sluggers, this game touches us all.  In the forties during the war and ever since the Depression, baseball went on.  It was our relief from stress and depression.  It was our way to take a break from our problems and for a few hours we could relax and live our dreams in a game.  From the fifties, we have seen the struggle and the breaking of the racial barring by Jackie Robinson and Larry Doby.  Baseball reflected life.  From the negro leagues to the big leagues, we experience life.  The sport truly explores the great struggle of life.

From the golden years of baseball to the money years of baseball, the dream of every little child is to put on a big league uniform and play between the chalk lines.  Baseball truly is a gift.  This dream is possible on any day of the week on baseball fields around the world.  In the game, you can be an instant hero and fall flat on your face in the same game.  In Field of Dreams, we feel the bond between parent and child.  We see Shoeless Joe say that heaven is playing baseball.  Lou Gehrig, in a dying tribute said, "I'm the luckiest man on the face of the earth."  We all need heros and everyone wants to be a hero.  Just for a few moments--to make the catch that saves the game; to hit the home run in the bottom of the ninth; or to feel the sting of defeat in "Casey at the Bat."

I would like to share the story of a spiritual journey, a journey to a child.  A little boy, lonely and sad, created his world.  He had a dream.  In his loneliness, he created the dream through his baseball cards.  His heros became his friends.  He played stick ball and learned to be creative, like making a baseball out of a golf ball, rubber bands and thick tape.  He created a bat from an ax handle.  Baseball had already taught him how to deal with life.  You see, baseball is like life.  It's played  between the lines, there are rules, it's a game of inches.  Even the best hitter only makes it 30% of the time.  It's a game of hustle and skill and, like life, you need to get dirty.  Some days things work, some days they don't.  Things always balance out.  On any given day, anything can happen.  Like it's not over until it's over.  There's always a chance.  You can make mistakes and still come back.  It's a game that involves patience and endurance.  It's a game that humbles you.  You never stop learning.

This little boy grew into a man; he didn't really know himself.  In fact, he hated himself by trying too hard.  Then one day he found his child; he learned about life on a baseball field.  It became his new church with green grass and brown dirt and it was a special place where he could be close to God.  Sitting in the dugout and watching the sun come up on Easter Sunday, he could feel God's presence.  In this simple game, he learned about life.  He learned how to play and socialize and how to be a little boy again.  In life you try hard, you struggle, you succeed and sometimes you fail; it all balances out.  In the game like life, there are rules, there are guides that help you through life.  Like life, there is a beginning and an end.  It is not important whether you win or lose.  It's how you play the game that counts.

Things in life always balance out.  This little boy found out that life is a gift.  It's fragile, but it must always be respected and honored.  In life, you even get to meet your dream.  Your hero is a human being like you.   He has hurt, he struggles, and he has pain just like you.  We are all heros and fools at one time or another.

Baseball is like life.  You cry, scream, yell, get frustrated, and sometimes you celebrate.  When you wake up in the morning and God yells, "Play Ball!"; give it your best shot, learn what you can, and don't forget to enjoy it.  Life, like baseball, is a great teacher.

Life is a spiritual journey.  You play it one day at a time.  Each day brings you a new experience.  If you truly believe you'll be led, the Higher Power, like the baseball Gods,  is in charge; we are simply servants open to be led.  Enjoy each day.  Give it your best.  Remember, you are a gift created by God.  As Yogi says, “It ain't over ‘till it's over.”  Let's play, too!

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Why?
For sunsets
that pave a lake with gold,
and mornings
when hope resounds in every chirp.
For deep skies at night
with stars that hypnotize,
and the sun at noon
which heats the hunger's blood.

Why?
Because babies smile
and kittens purr
and horses prance
and butterflies dance.
Because God speaks in thunderclaps
and signs His name in lightning bolts
and takes you in His arms
with every ocean swell
and every wilderness breeze.

Why?
To see the fields of wild flowers
that decorate the valleys in the high country,
to smell the hay just cut
and the animals that fertilize the pastures,
to taste wild berries
and trout just caught and cooked,
to swim and run and love and sleep
and live those moments
the memory keeps.

Why?
To meet old friends
and meet with new ones,
to dance and drink and laugh and play
and learn of life, both good and bad,
to cook a meal, to read a book,
to write a poem, to feel the sand,
to share one's soul
and hold another's hand.

Why?
That I may listen
to my favorite melodies,
to my favorite souls
and to myself,
that I may be
and be with others
till the rains cease
for me.

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"Low self-esteem, that evil root, From which anxiety, anger and depression shoot."

Most of us have ups and downs about how secure we feel. All of us doubt our worth from time to time. However, if the doubt is great and frequent, we are likely to become anxious, believing that we don't have the wherewithal to cope with the difficulties that confront us. I believe that this anxiety is a major cause of anger and depression.

Almost always, anxiety is created by feeling unworthy, by believing we have flaws that damn us. Deep inside resides the horrible notion that others will reject us, abandon us, or simply overlook us and forget us, because we are unworthy, and we will be left defenseless and alone. Most of the time, this thought is so horrible that we block it out. Even so, it continues to work its evil, affecting how we behave around others, to everybody's detriment, including our own.

We get angry with those whose actions remind us of this horrible thought. Tempers are short when we feel we just can't cope with another setback, or when we feel what little sense of worth we have left isn't being respected.

We get depressed when the feelings of unworthiness wash over us. We lose hope that we can take effective actions on our own behalf in our relationships and jobs.

How is this low self-esteem created? All too easily. Children are dependent upon the adults in their lives for emotional and physical nurturing. When there is not enough nurturing, the child, who has a child's knowledge only, believes that he or she doesn't get what is needed because he or she is not good enough to deserve loving care. Even a child raised in a loving family can be affected by events beyond the parents' control. If the child is also physically and emotionally battered, his or her sense of worth is likely to be very badly damaged. Great anxiety results, and the child becomes depressed or angry, or both. The child and teenager react in ways that are dysfunctional, lashing out or holding in, and do things they feel guilty about and ashamed of. Guilt and shame feed the root of low self-esteem. Its vines entwine and imprison, creating feelings of powerlessness and not being good enough.  

                                  

How is healthy self-esteem created? We clip away the vine, little by little, freeing you to try new ways of behaving. With practice and hard work, you learn to recognize what is real and true about yourself and accept and value yourself. You see how low self-esteem has distorted your perceptions, thoughts, and beliefs and reinforces your feelings of worthlessness. You realize that you will not be rejected by life, that you are stronger and more capable than you thought, and that you can effectively cope with what life brings your way. With courage, you practice new ways of being and behaving in your life. You make friends. You are not alone. You feel secure. You breathe easy. You come to love your life and yourself more fully.

Group therapy for women with low self-esteem will begin in March, 2007. Please call me, Maria Brent, at The Starting Point, 856 854-3155, ext. 124. Individual therapy is also available.